Arab Spring...meets Spring Awakening?

Hello from the homeland and my favorite city in the world, Beirut.

Let me start off by thanking you for all the support and positive feedback, especially in regards to the last post. 

With a week off from school, I decided it was the perfect time to return to Lebanon (since I've already crossed the Atlantic) and visit family and friends that I haven't seen in four years. Here I am sitting in my grandmother's house, and I honestly can't wrap my mind around the present--partly because I can't believe that my grandmother has WiFi. 

This trip to Lebanon has been unlike any before. Since moving to the States twelve years ago, I have been back many times (including a trip in 2006 that resulted in evacuation from war). However, this visit is different. I don't know if it's because it comes after two months of being alone in Copenhagen, or because it's been four years since my last trip, but everything seems to have much more meaning. 

In the last post, I wrote about the seemingly intangible pursuit of happiness, and what it takes to be happy. In my state of nostalgic reflection, I came across a quote that really struck a cord.

“Happiness doesn't lie in conspicuous consumption and the relentless amassing of useless crap. Happiness lies in the person sitting beside you and your ability to talk to them. Happiness is clear-headed human interaction and empathy. Happiness is home. And home is not a house-home is a mythological conceit. It is a state of mind. A place of communion and unconditional love. It is where, when you cross its threshold, you finally feel at peace.” 

Now I have to disagree with the first line, because I know how I feel after the end-of-the-season sale at Mr. Porter, and I would definitely ascribe those feelings to the happiness that stems from anything Marc Jacobs. 

In all seriousness, the quote seemed to articulate everything I've been trying to express. These past few days, I have been happier than I can ever remember being. This isn't to say that I'm never happy in Peoria, but I'm talking about the genuine happiness that takes over you. You know, the kind where you're not doing anything at all, but you're at perfect ease; at peace. What an incredible feeling it is to be at peace with yourself, and everything around you!

I can sit for hours in my grandmother's kitchen completely content with no internet and no phone, just watching my aunts bicker and fight over who can make the better spinach pie. Or even better, an afternoon at a sidewalk cafe with the most bad-ass grandmother to walk this planet.

It is amazing what being surrounded by family can do! My decision to visit Beirut this week was pretty risky, seeing as though the night I landed the government resigned, never mind the fact that the Syrian uprising is taking place within a negligible distance. None of it matters. No war, no greedy politician, no religious uprising can take away the security that your family provides you with. However, it never fails to break my heart what a sad situation I find this country in. With the Syrian uprising quickly escalating, tensions can be felt well throughout Lebanon, and inflation has further diminished the "middle class." Regardless, it isn't my intention to give you a crash course in Middle Easter politics.

I guess I don't really know what my intentions are with this post...typical.

It's actually kind of funny, all throughout the week, I kept thinking of what I wanted to include in my post about Lebanon: My trip to the fisherman's village of Batroun, how spoiled I am by my family, and even my most daring act of rebellion yet (will be revealed shortly), but now that my trip is coming to a close...I have no idea what to write about. Really, I just want to write about how happy and lucky I am to have been able to spend time with family and friends; but I know how sappy, and out of character it sounds. Granted, I'm not really sure what my "in character" is these days.

My writer's block, if you will, can be attributed to a few things. First and foremost, the Lebanese culture is different from any you've ever known, and much of what I want to tell you, you simply won't understand. Not because it's beyond your realm of comprehension, but because you'll probably find us entirely lunatic.
Secondly, so much of my experience would get lost in translation...which is something I won't risk.

My relationship with this country, and in particular the city of Beirut, is one I can't express. Everything there is to know about me lies within this city's streets. I don't know...have you ever felt like something is so much a part of you, you can feel it in every heartbeat? That's Beirut to me (kind of like what New York is to Lady Gaga, just a lot less leather and a lot more...falafel?).  It's kind of ironic actually, because for being my favorite city in the world...this place has caused me more pain than anything else. With each visit, it becomes more difficult to leave my cousins, grandparents, aunts and uncles behind...and I feel like each time I leave, I leave a larger part of me here. The constant void I feel when I'm in Peoria suddenly disappears when I'm here, yet grows larger every time I leave.

Maybe some of you have experienced something similar? Maybe I'm just completely off my rocker?


Either way, I definitely have way more feelings than I am comfortable with.

The Pursuit of Happiness

Is it a constitutional right or a social construct?

I realize that my last blog post was well over a month ago, but it is justified. My intentions with this blog aren't to bore you with my day-to-day routine, but rather to use it as a sort of reflective journal, or pseudo-memoir, if you will. 

Almost everyday I'm asked why I chose to study abroad in Denmark; more often-than-not, I'm being asked by the locals themselves. As many of you know, I'm the ultimate pessimist. The glass has never, and will never be half full. Someone drank my water, and I'm pissed about it. Regardless, what attracted me the most to Denmark was it's reputation for being one of the happiest countries in the world. A few weeks into my journey, I decided to go on a cognitive adventure to find out if the Danes really are the happiest in the world. What made them the happiest? Is it the short days and cold climate? Or is it the fact that they pay 70% of their income in taxes? I'm going to go ahead and say none of the above. 

When I try to compare my experience in Denmark to my friends studying abroad in the western, warmer parts of Europe, there's a couple of differences. While many of them seem to be on an extended vacation (hell, many studying here in CPH are on an extended vacation), I am actually beginning to feel pretty integrated into the Danish "flo" of the week. Believe it or not, I don't drink every night, I have to study, and I have a routine much like I would have back home. At first, I was pretty upset with the reality behind my situation. I was expecting a spring break that would last all semester; however, a few months into my semester, I am not only beginning to accept my experience, but also embrace it. 

Here in Copenhagen, I have more time to think than I have ever had back home. Whether it's on the two and half hours I spend commuting into and out of the city every day, or the lonely nights in the countryside house I live in--all I do is think. I reflect on my experience here thus far, I am always drawing dichotomies between life here and life in Peoria, and I'm in a constant state of nostalgia. 

Here's where I'm going with this...although my experience here isn't exactly what I had pictured it to be, maybe it's what I needed it to be?

For the first time in a long time, I don't feel the constant pressure of having to please someone, and although I'm locked into my routine here...I'm liberated in everything I do. I don't have to check in with anyone every time I make a move, and I can go days without talking to anyone at home. With that comes a lot of time alone. Those of you who know me back home, know that my life is vacant of all solitude. That being said, at first I was terrified of the loneliness. Although I'd like to think of myself as pretty independent, I've always relied on someone else for a second opinion. It took me 20 years to learn how to do laundry, and I am just now starting cook for myself. Regardless, the moral of the story is that everyday I surprise myself a little more. When things go wrong, I only have myself to rely on. If I'm lost, I have to find my way home...with the few resource available.

Needless to say, all this thinking has me questioning the pursuit of happiness. What is it that we're after? Here I am in what is arguably one of the happiest countries in the world, and I don't know whether I'm genuinely happier, or just happy to be away from the systematic life waiting for me across the Atlantic. With confidence, I can assure you the Danes are by no means the happiest people on this planet. However, they are content with their lives, and have an incredible trust in their government, which is obviously lacking back in the red, white, and blue. At first I mistook this "contentness" with a lack of ambition. The entire society is structured around homogeneity. Each life has equal value, and there isn't a social hierarchy to climb. You work just as hard as your neighbor, you pay the same amount in taxes as your boss (if you have one), and you're not competing to be better or wealthier than the person sitting next to you on the train. In return, you have  free health care, your education is covered, and the government takes care of you in essentially every aspect of your life. To the narrow-minded, this may sound like extreme socialism, perhaps border-line communist. However, the people here possess a je ne sais quoi that could easily be mistaken for genuine happiness. 

Who knows, maybe they are the happiest people in the world? In my opinion (and I swear this isn't the cynic in me), I think the rest of us are just really miserable most of the time. 

Paradigms. Here's one for you: 

I just touched on the homogeneity present within Danish society; everyone's one the same page. On the other end of the spectrum lies America. Rooted in our history is the American Dream and diversity. We have social ladders that we have to climb, and everyone needs to know about it (refer to your Facebook). Obviously, I'm included.  

Our country was founded on the "Pursuit of Happiness," but maybe that's why it seems so intangible. Since our beggining, we've mistaken happiness with our desire to have houses larger than our neighbors, better grades than our classmates, and more money than we did a month ago. Even when we accomplish our "goals," we're still not satisfied--nothing is enough. Guilty of this myself, I truly am beginning to question what is it that we're after. I've spent the past five semesters doing everything I can to make myself the strongest candidate for medical school. Along with that, I lost all spontaneity and adopted a systematic approach to almost every aspect of my life. Arguably, all in the name of "happiness." You know, because if I get into med school I'll be happy, Right? 

Anyways, I'm not entirely sure where I'm going with this, but for the first time in my life I feel like I'm starting to actually develop as an intellectual, competent member of society. I do believe that everything happens for a reason. So maybe I'm not supposed to be out getting drunk every night, and maybe this time alone is what I need? I'm learning more about myself than I ever have before, and can see myself changing, both inside and out (thanks sugga daddy for spoiling me with pastries). 

I realize that after a month of not posting, you were hoping to read about sexcapades across Scandinavia. But this is the truth about my study abroad experience...and I'm okay with that. After all, I am studying abroad.

On another note, I will be posting about my adventures in Budapest and Vienna this week (more along the lines of sexcapades)...as soon as midterms are out of the way (yes, we have midterms). 

Until next time,

you know you love me.

xoxo,

AA